The tears and fears

The tears and the fears.

 

 

The boys were called to come to mom's without kids. I have adult kids and I called Angie and she called Lauren. I had to call CJ, that was going to be a difficult call, my oldest son CJ loves his Grandma Jean. You see my MIL is an incredible women. When I married her baby, Mike I came as a BIG package deal. I have 5 kids you see and they are all mine but biologically I gave birth to 3 but was given the gift of these 2 precious kids...Angela and CJ.

Oh yes sometimes I forget that part, it feels like I gave birth to them all. I love them all the same, so my amazing MIL loved 5 more grandkids. She has never not once separated, half, biological, step, etc. she loves all 9 of her grandchildren in her own special way. But I believe that CJ holds some sort of connection with a woman that never made him feel any different. She went out of her way to make him be his own unique self. Never judging or anything. Just love and admiration for him. Yes she was and is proud of him, good and bad very proud of him.

   So with that call CJ is blown away, he called 2x and wanted to come out to Granma Jean's and I had to tell him no, the sons, his Uncles and Step dad had to come first. He understood but I knew he was hurting. Thank goodness Sarah was there for him and he told my younger sons for me.

     Mike, Terry, Tom and Julanne came that night, My husband already knew this was not going to be good, he had shared with me earlier that he felt this was going to be bad and he cried with me at our home. But her 3 boys would not shed a tear in front of this woman. They listened to Nicole and I as we explained all that Dr. Campbell told us. Stage 4, no cure.

Chemo and radiation, biopsy, tests. What are we going to do? I kept on having to sneak away and cry quietly, you see I have guilt lots of guilt. Over the course of the last year I had a attitude towards a certain situation, one that I felt if I stayed away, I could make a point...I will do my own Thanksgiving, I will not attend alot of family functions. Wow what did I miss? Time, time with the most wonderful person I know. I am sorry, so very sorry. None of the that "certain situation" matters anymore. I want to turn the clock back...please.

I start reflecting on the last 17 years of holidays, birthdays, trips, visits, games, drinking, sad times that she helped me through. She is the Matriarch of the Shepardson family. How are we going to help her through this? I do not know.

  Over the next few days between appointments and taking care of buisness, Mom and I cried often, I love you Mom, you are the best, i make a promise to her, I will carry on her traditons, I will try to keep the family together. How do I do this with so much tension? Please God help us band together and learn to love and forgive.