The Lung Biopsy

The days following have blended together, so many things happening so fast.
We wonder what mom wants to do, does she want to fight, should be just stop. What should she do? But we remind ourselves that it is her decision. I being having been through this with my dad and brother just do not want her in pain.
Please no pain, I can't bare it.
   So now we have to do a lung biopsy scheduled for a tuesday morning , 5 am we have to be up by. We need to be there by 6am. So this lung biopsy should be no big deal, they lightly put her out and there she goes. We sit there, Nicole and I, my sister, my best friend, ok now what? You hungry sure we say. Down to the basement for some lunch. No calls, thats cool. We got on the elevator to go up and Nicole says she needs something from Walgreens, ok I will go to the waiting room. My phone starts to ring and its the Doctor looking for us, our cells did not work in the basement. Mom has been admitted in the ER. She is bleeding from her liver. She is uncomfortable, they are flipping her like a pancake. Stay on your tummy they say, but yet the need xray this and xray that. Stop I want to scream, you are hurting her. But I know they are trying to figure out what to do. That was a very rough day. We get her home and she is worn out and tired. Nicole and I are tired but we both need to have a drink and talk and cry. Seems like the tears are everflowing. I still do not want to let go, and I am not, and nor will I. Can't we keep her God? Please I beg. Life without Mom is not going to be easy. I think about the little things...coffee with mom, spanish rice, The German Village, lotto tickets, her homemade pie crust. Mom you have to teach me how to make your crust, we have time don't we? Rhubarb pie, mom I need to know how to make that for Mikey.  We love you mom.

The tears and fears

The tears and the fears.

 

 

The boys were called to come to mom's without kids. I have adult kids and I called Angie and she called Lauren. I had to call CJ, that was going to be a difficult call, my oldest son CJ loves his Grandma Jean. You see my MIL is an incredible women. When I married her baby, Mike I came as a BIG package deal. I have 5 kids you see and they are all mine but biologically I gave birth to 3 but was given the gift of these 2 precious kids...Angela and CJ.

Oh yes sometimes I forget that part, it feels like I gave birth to them all. I love them all the same, so my amazing MIL loved 5 more grandkids. She has never not once separated, half, biological, step, etc. she loves all 9 of her grandchildren in her own special way. But I believe that CJ holds some sort of connection with a woman that never made him feel any different. She went out of her way to make him be his own unique self. Never judging or anything. Just love and admiration for him. Yes she was and is proud of him, good and bad very proud of him.

   So with that call CJ is blown away, he called 2x and wanted to come out to Granma Jean's and I had to tell him no, the sons, his Uncles and Step dad had to come first. He understood but I knew he was hurting. Thank goodness Sarah was there for him and he told my younger sons for me.

     Mike, Terry, Tom and Julanne came that night, My husband already knew this was not going to be good, he had shared with me earlier that he felt this was going to be bad and he cried with me at our home. But her 3 boys would not shed a tear in front of this woman. They listened to Nicole and I as we explained all that Dr. Campbell told us. Stage 4, no cure.

Chemo and radiation, biopsy, tests. What are we going to do? I kept on having to sneak away and cry quietly, you see I have guilt lots of guilt. Over the course of the last year I had a attitude towards a certain situation, one that I felt if I stayed away, I could make a point...I will do my own Thanksgiving, I will not attend alot of family functions. Wow what did I miss? Time, time with the most wonderful person I know. I am sorry, so very sorry. None of the that "certain situation" matters anymore. I want to turn the clock back...please.

I start reflecting on the last 17 years of holidays, birthdays, trips, visits, games, drinking, sad times that she helped me through. She is the Matriarch of the Shepardson family. How are we going to help her through this? I do not know.

  Over the next few days between appointments and taking care of buisness, Mom and I cried often, I love you Mom, you are the best, i make a promise to her, I will carry on her traditons, I will try to keep the family together. How do I do this with so much tension? Please God help us band together and learn to love and forgive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



The missed signs

How did I miss this?

I have replayed this over and over in my mind, how did I miss my precious Mother-in-law being sick, how did I not know, that is something that I will eventually have to let go of. This is someone one that is totally stubborn, strong willed, loving, caring, would move mountains for any of us. When did she get sick? When did this start? You see this is my 3rd family member that I have had to experience the C word with. Yes Cancer that ugly, hateful, nasty C word. It is a journey that I am on, one that was chosen for me. You see like my MIL I too, will stop and do anything for my family and she is my family-connected by her son, my husband Mike.

   Mike is her baby, that teeny tiny lady had my husband. She always said that Mike was easier one she gave birth to, they fell asleep during his journey to come into this world. Mom that is one of the gifts you have given me, the gift of Mike...thank-you for him. His loves his mom too, very protective of her, I guess in many ways we all are.

    Back to diagnosis a day I will never forget October 2, 2012 My sister, Nicole, Mom and I sat in a small room waiting for the doctor. It seemed like it took forever for him to come into the room, he sat down, didn't even look at my MIL, he started to draw pictures of dandelion and seeds blowing to next yard, something about the seeds are cancer cells and that hers have blown everywhere. Did I hear that right? Did he really just say that, Nicole did we hear the same thing. 

Ok well now he tells us the grim of this, without treatment 3 to 5 months to LIVE! With treatment 1 year to 1 year and a half. She is in pain, but we were shuffled through the halls to one room after another. Radiation doctor, social worker, Chemo doctor. We get home and we are exhausted, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sad, very very sad. Now what? Call the husbands, her sons and tell them...wow. How do you tell them this? With grace, just like MIL.